here’s to 2017

Well, it’s 18 days into January and I still haven’t posted about the new year or any of my goals, so…I’d say my resolution to have more of a schedule is going well.

Maybe I haven’t made a declaration on my blog. But in my life, since waking up on January 1, 2017, I’ve made a concentrated effort to be more. Be more present, be more positive, be more optimistic, be more happy. It’s hard, but I’m determined. (I’m also determined to get better meds, but that’s another story for another day. Insurance, you suck.) Be more, and be less — less self-medication in unhealthy ways, more self-care on days I really need it.

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I’m trying to be more lenient. I’m trying to put less pressure on myself as a human being, as a person. My perfectionist traits run deep, from over-editing a piece of writing to making sure I look okay before I see someone I don’t know. In this same way, I beat myself up when depression and anxiety get the best of me. I allow myself to sink into anger. I’m angry that I feel this way, that I’m upset, that I’m unhappy with my state of mind and that I spent an entire day lazily dicking around online, finding ways to make myself feel WORSE rather than trying to change it. In 2017, I’m striving to take that pressure, recognize it, and breathe it away. I don’t have to be perfect all the time. I can (and just did) have a bad day, or ten bad days. I can accept that, and deal with it, as opposed to taking an entire bottle of wine and drinking alone.

This year, I decided to carefully title my page of resolutions “Things To Accomplish” rather than write out the word “resolution” in any way. The things I want to accomplish in 2017 are a mixture of real “resolutions” (drink more water, read more) and dreams/hopes I want to conquer (running another half marathon, moderating a comic con panel, writing a comic). Writing them all out in a big list is overwhelming, sure, but it’s also kind of inspiring. I’m not making the list so I can cross off as many as possible. I’m making the list to remind myself that I can do anything, be anything, accomplish anything. Is it a lofty set of dreams and goals? Sure. Is it a little ambitious? Probably too much. But you miss every shot you don’t take, right?

In the back of my planner, along with this list of “resolutions,” I’ve made a number of other 2017-oriented lists: Books Read, Things To Write, as well as a general wishlist of items I want but just can’t afford right now. I’m also keeping a list that’s simply titled “Nice Things And Smiles.” It says 2017 on it, because I kind of got carried away in decorating, but it’s really just a comprehensive list of all the things — from hot baths to comics to FaceTime dates with friends — that are worth smiling about or waking up to. My goal is to add to this list as often as I can, and as often as I feel like I want to. (Oh yeah, and sometimes I put things down twice by accident. Whoops.)

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There are things happening in 2017 that scare me, and that I don’t know how to handle. But I can handle myself, and that’s what I’m working on.

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